Infantile Fantasies
Inherent in the spiritual path is this work of letting go of old ways of living that don’t work anymore. Maybe we got energy from rescuing others or taking advantage of someone. Maybe we had an outsized ego that had to be reduced to size. Or maybe, and here’s the one that grabs me, we had some infantile fantasies that we had to lose.
Joseph Campbell talks a lot about infantile fantasies being a major stumbling block to the hero who seeks to become one with God. His book, HERO WITH A THOUSAND FACES is an examination of world mythology with regards to spiritual heros. Campbell writes that we are the only species who stay bonded to the Mother for so long, and that we have a lot of fantasies about Mother-good, Father-intruder, that play out in strange ways as we get older.
“As the original intruder into the paradise of the infant with its mother, the father is the archetypal enemy; hence, throughout life all enemies are symbolical (to the unconscious) of the father. “Whatever is killed becomes the father.” Hence the veneration in headhunting communities (in New Guinea, for example) of the heads brought home from vendetta raids. Hence, too, the irresistible compulsion to make war: the impulse to destroy the father is continually transforming itself into public violence.”
“Anxieties for the integrity of its body, fantasies of restitution, a silent, deep requirement for indestructibility and protection against the “bad” forces from within and without, begin to direct the shaping psyche; and these remain as determining factors in the later neurotic, and even normal, life activities, spiritual efforts, religious beliefs, and ritual practices of the adult.”
OK, so let’s assume that Joe has a point here . . . that the infantile fantasies that we created as a result of our surroundings shape our psyches in such a way as to be a significant part of our personalities and life views. Which of us could actually go back to our infant feelings and know what they were? And if we could go back and feel the fantasies being created, could we actually change them to create a healthy personality? Or is that the purpose of life . . . to shed us of all of our naïve wishes and bring us in line with what is?
I remember sitting in therapy after divorcing my first wife at the tender age of 28 and listening to the therapist ask me about my childhood and specifically about my feelings during that time. I could no more answer that question than answer what trajectory a rocket would have to shoot in order to orbit the moon and return to earth. It would take years of discipline to find a feeling then begin to trace my feelings back in time.
After 22 years of that work, I can finally connect with even the very earliest feelings. The unique quality of a baby feeling is that it doesn’t even have words to describe it. In my experience it is gut level and can best be felt as a deep pervasive driving force that surfaces when we need to deliver: starting out a new project, meeting someone for the first time, taking the final shot with 1.6 seconds to go. All of these scenarios bring out a feeling and belief that is very similar to the belief that got imprinted early on.
For me the infant feelings are a mixture of, “I really need to please these people,” and “I’ve got to do something huge to fix this mess.” I could go into specifics of why and what my parents did to evoke this response, but for now I’d rather just stick with the fantasy that was created. Specifically, “I’ve got to do something huge to fix this mess.” It’s followed me for life. It’s manifested in my attempts to risk everything to create some art form that would save the world. It definitely affected my initial understanding of God and then moved into my career. But with each huge thing that I accomplished, I began to realize that there was no mess I could fix and no huge thing that would really change anything. In fact the opposite resulted. I self destructed, lol.
So now I’m experimenting with changing all this . . . letting go of the need to do something huge to assure my survival, accepting the moment as enough, sitting with my inner baby to reassure him that it’s OK. I can only report a 50% success rating on this venture. I’m not even sure if something this innate can be changed. I’m going with the idea that God changes some of that through things and people I come in contact with. In fact that’s the way it’s supposed to work . . . I think.
But back to Campbell . . . in next weeks post, I’ll share some more thoughts Joseph had on what at-one-ment looks like and how the spiritual quest is manifested in the hero. Feel free to chime in in the “comments” section as to what your earliest pervasive feelings were or whether infantile fantasies play out for you today? I’d be curious to hear.
