“If you wanna run cool, you’ve got to run on any heavy fuel.”

So say the lyrics to the Dire Straits song “Heavy Fuel,” about an addict who used a variety of drugs, alcohol and sex to feel OK every day.  Sounds like my ex-wife.  (Ba dum dum, chaaaa).  But seriously folks . . .

When I got out of college, thoughts of going into the ministry crossed my mind, but I thought what the church was offering wasn’t heavy enough fuel to counteract what was out there.  And of course ten years later it would be totally ineffective and powerless to stop my own addiction and insanity.  Why?

Jung says what’s behind addictive behavior (and any neurosis for that matter)  is a secret and repressed emotions where confession is the antidote.  It explains why I was unable to get any sanity because there was no vehicle for uncovering anything.  In fact, I always felt rewarded for “looking good” rather than digging in the dirt to uncover the dark secrets.  And then there’s the Lite beer of confession – the Catholic church where I could go and confess “my sins” to the priest.  Not really the “confession” Jung had in mind when he talked about turning around neuroses.  Again, no depth, so no recovery.  For Jung, a secret could be confessed in an ongoing way to render it powerless.

For a long time I’ve been asking, what’s the secret that drives so much of my addictive/compulsive behavior? I found the “secret” to be so irrational that it was hard to battle – I couldn’t use the conscious mind.  My secret had to do with the fear that life had no meaning and purpose, that I was unwanted, unloved and alone.  The rational mind said, “What are you talking about?  You’re married with two kids; your parents tell you they love you.  I’m not going to engage in this stupid conversation!”

I try to play moderator for the voices inside.  The kid or early childhood feelings along with the unconscious have all the answers, but the conscious mind is such a bully it’s hard for the truth to surface.  (Here’s an abbreviated version of the conversation that follows:)  The moderator says, “Hold on here, let’s hear what the child has to say because that’s where the secret got formed and that’s where we have to appease it.”  So then a very young voice speaks up, “Well, I wasn’t loved for me, I was a pawn in their game growing up.”

Moderator:  “Where do you get the no purpose and meaning belief?”

Young voice:  “What’s that?  Where would you find it?”

Moderator:  ”It sounds like your connection to your natural faith in God and the life process got cut off pretty early.”

Young voice: “yeah”

Moderator: “ . . . well meaning and purpose are just something that naturally spring out of your relationship with yourself and God.  If you’re following your bliss, meaning and purpose take care of themselves.”

And that’s where the work always begins.  Convincing the young life inside that it’s not too late to follow my bliss and that it can be enough.  Spiritual work indeed and heavy enough fuel to counteract the power of the secrets.

But yeah, it’s much easier to get distracted.  Let’s see what new shiny thing I can find now . . .

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Click here to see an awesome version of Dire Straits “Heavy Fuel” live.

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